Having a roommate is, beyond a doubt, one of the most dreaded aspects of the college experience. Forget worrying about classes and workloads – sharing a bedroom with a complete stranger is guaranteed to be a pretty dramatic learning curve. Ideally, your roommate will be someone you’ll get along with easily and never have conflicts with; in reality, however, chances are you won’t be so lucky. Even if you and your roommate are able to build a decent relationship, it’s practically impossible to share a living space without eventually running into some conflicts.
In my freshman year, for example, I was lucky enough to have a really great roommate. She was easy to talk to, we had similar sleep schedules, and we both liked to keep our spaces clean. Even so, we still managed to run into some difficulties. I'd never shared a room before, and I'd never learned how to set boundaries and articulate my feelings in the way that this new relationship demanded. There were lots of little things my roommate did that got on my nerves, but rather than being open with her, I allowed frustration to build up over these minor issues. I eventually became unfairly petty towards her due to that accrued resentment.
Since then, however, I’ve gone on to have several other roommates, and I’ve significantly improved my ability to address conflicts as they come up. Three years ago, I would’ve felt uncomfortable asking my roommate not to eat my chips without permission, but now that sort of boundary-setting has become second nature. There is, of course, always room for improvement, and dealing with interpersonal conflicts still tends to make me uncomfortable. However, I’ve become confident enough in my ability to handle conflicts that I think my resolution process could be helpful to you as well.
I’ve divided this process into three stages, and they are designed to be performed in order. If, for example, you walk through the steps in stage one and are still struggling with the conflict, you can move on to stage two, and then finally stage three.
1. Stage One: Examine the Conflict on Your Own
In order to maintain a healthy relationship with your roommate, it’s important to maintain a balance between letting go of little annoyances while also bringing more important matters to the table for discussion and improvement. When gauging the seriousness of the problem, here are several questions to consider:
Is the problem ongoing?
If your roommate has only done something once, it likely isn’t as big of an issue as something they do habitually. For example, if your roommate accidentally spills a cup of mac-n-cheese on the floor, this (hopefully) isn’t something you’ll need to have an in-depth discussion about. However, if your roommate is constantly leaving their dirty laundry on your furniture, that’s a repeated behavior that needs to be addressed; otherwise, they’ll probably just continue to put their laundry in places you don’t want it to be.
Three days from now, will I still be bothered by this?
Asking yourself this question is a great way to put things in perspective. If a problem is something so trivial that you’ll probably have forgotten about it by the end of the week, it probably isn’t something you really need to complain to your roommate about. However, if you can reasonably look ahead and see how the issue will still be relevant in the future – for example, if you’re worried the minifridge your roommate balanced precariously on top of a dresser is going to topple and cause damage in the room – it’s certainly something worth addressing as soon as possible.
Is the problem something that I do myself?
It’s always worth keeping an eye out for your own hypocrisy. It can be easy to give ourselves the special treatment and come up with excuses for our own behavior. However, if you’re considering addressing a conflict with your roommate, consider whether their behavior is also something you frequently do. For example, if you’re upset that your roommate has their significant other in the room for long periods of time, but you also frequently have your own partner over… it might be worth working on your own behavior before focusing on what’s wrong with your roommate.
2. Stage Two: Discuss the Conflict with the Other Person
If you’ve considered the issue and concluded that it is indeed worth bringing up to the other person, now it’s time to bring that decision into action.
When you’re presenting a conflict to your roommate, here are my three pieces of advice:
Assert your feelings confidently.
You have the right to articulate your feelings, and doing so clearly and confidently will help streamline the process of coming to a resolution. As a rule of thumb, try to communicate how the other person’s actions affect you, and follow that statement up with a desire for change. For example, if you want your roommate to stop eating your food, you could say: “It bothers me when you take my food without permission. In the future, please ask me before eating anything that’s on my shelf in the fridge.”
Be respectful towards them.
Of course, when you’re expressing your feelings, you also run the risk of overdoing things and being unnecessarily hurtful towards the other person. Statements that are judgmental or blow the problem out of proportion will detract from your ability to resolve the conflict. Avoid statements that attack or shame the other person, such as “You always forget to take out the trash!” or “Why would you do something like this?!” Keep in mind that your roommate is human, and it is inevitable that they will make mistakes. The goal is to reach a friendly resolution, not to make them feel guilty for their actions.
Aim towards compromise.
Keep in mind that, in conflict resolution, you most likely aren’t going to get everything that you want. When discussing an issue with them, it’s extremely important to consider their feelings and take their needs into account. For example, if you’d like to have friends in the room until midnight but your roommate plans to go to bed at 10 pm, simply ignoring their need for sleep is an incredibly disrespectful move. Instead, aim to reach a decision that works for both of you, such as agreeing to shift the party to another location by 10 pm.
3. Stage Three: Bring in a Third Party (If Necessary)
If, by the time you’ve completed the first two stages, your conflict has yet to be resolved, consider bringing in another person to help mediate the situation.
If you’re living in a dormitory, the best person to seek help from is your Residence Life staff. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help in these kinds of circumstances! I work as an RA at my college, and a major part of my job is navigating roommate conflicts and making sure everyone in my building is in a healthy living situation.
If you’re living in an apartment, or in another circumstance that doesn’t provide a structured residence experience designed to minimize roommate conflicts, consider bringing the issue to another neutral third party. This could be a mutual friend, a coworker, a neighbor, etc.; the person you choose is entirely dependent on the circumstances. Whatever you do, however, make sure that when you’re asking someone for help with a conflict, you clearly give them the right to say no. This is especially important in the case of mutual friendships, in which the third party might feel like they have to choose a side in the head-to-head conflict.
If appropriate, it’s also worth considering professional mediation or counseling. These services often require payment, but they're also generally effective at helping people come to friendly resolutions.
Additionally, it's important to take into account that conflicts might need to be addressed multiple times before they can be truly resolved. Regardless, the best policy is to approach the situation with as much openness, confidence, and patience as possible.
What aspects of these stages were the most useful for you? Were there any important aspects of conflict resolution that I missed? What are some conflicts you and a roommate have dealt with in the past? Share your responses below!
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